I recall a conversation once with a client and her husband talking about sex at our postpartum visit. It went something like this…
Dad: “So how soon can we have sex again?”
Mother: “Oh hunny! This right here is like a hot dog in a hallway. I don’t think either of us would feel much.”
We all laughed and nodded our heads in agreement.
Time and time again I hear mothers expressing their concerns about lack of libido months or even years after childbirth, and partners having to wait patiently for Mother’s libido to return. Postpartum is a time for us to rest, heal our pelvic floor, and fall deeply in love with our babies. Where does this put Dad? Where does this put our SEX life?
The shift that occurs during pregnancy and postpartum can change a woman completely.
Let’s not forget that we have all these hormones flooding through our bodies, diapers to change, clothes to wash, a house to clean, food to cook, work to go back to, waking up every two hours to nurse in the night, and leaking milk like Niagara Falls. The partner does not experience this same shift, especially not sexually. So how do we meet everyone’s needs? Human sexuality is always changing. Pregnancy and postpartum are two phases in a woman’s life that mark profound changes in her sexual drive. During pregnancy, it is important for our partners to understand that stress, tender breasts, nausea and vomiting, fatigue, hormonal changes, growing belly, back pain, heartburn, and weight gain might decrease libido. It is also an important time for us to be compassionate towards ourselves and our partners during these major life changes.
Now that we know the prenatal and postpartum times can turn off our libido, how do we get it back?
For the record, not all women experience this decrease in libido. There is a major hormonal shift that occurs following birth as the milk is being created and our bodies are recuperating and healing from that sweet little baby stretching and opening us. Some of the challenges that mothers face in the immediate postpartum are: not getting enough rest, having a baby attached to the breast, hormonal mood swings, and all the new changes of motherhood. This is an important time for the partners to support by cooking, cleaning, or watching the other kids to give Mama enough time to rest, which will go a long way in increasing that libido.
Once we are healed and rejuvenated, it’s time to get creative! Here are some suggestions from a local midwife.
- Kegel, Kegel, Kegel! Everyday! This will help strengthen those stretched pelvic floor muscles and increase circulation which will heal our pelvic floor more quickly. It will also help tighten things back up down there.
- Explore other forms of intimacy (kissing, oral and gentle explorations with hands/fingers, massage, use your imagination). It’s not all about penetration! I find that not having an obligation to have sex, and finding other ways to be intimate will get the juices flowing.
- Allow yourself to daydream about what changes you would like to see in you sex life. Your mind and body are connected in a direct way.
- Have some confidence that your amazing sex life will come back soon! Maybe even have a few affirmations for yourself.
- Lots of lube and lots of foreplay. Even if you aren’t in the mood, most women say after some foreplay they feel their libido increase.
- Have some romance and get a babysitter (a bath together with candles, a nice dinner together, maybe dress up and go out if that’s your thing). Make some special time with your partner. It is easy to let baby, chores, work, or lack of rest be the excuse to keep us from having romantic nights, but these times are especially important for nurturing the whole family’s needs.
- When sexual intercourse come back into the mix, it’s important for the woman to lead for a while so that she can feel confident and to make sure she is not experiencing any pain.
Get out in there and play!
