I don’t have my shit together.

My guess is right now you a) don’t believe me when I say that or b) you are nodding and whispering, “me too” at your phone right now.

And why do I not have my shit together you ask? Because let’s be real, this motherhood gig is no joke. It’s tiring, and frustrating, and confusing, and joyful, and fun. But right now it’s exhausting and aggravating.

I can thumb through photos of my childhood where my parents, siblings and I are all posing for the camera in our Sunday best celebrating a holiday, a milestone, or some other important life event. Polished and poised.

I love getting dressed up and putting on my heels for Easter or Christmas mass. It feels more special this way. But with my own kids – one who thinks it’s Coronation Day everyday and one who DREADS the thought of wearing anything fancy, and their immediate protests when photo time comes – I’ve given up demanding the family photo. I really should just start taking holiday selfies to fulfill my own desire for that perfect family photo on a special day. And if I’m really feeling into it I’ll even move the laundry from “Laundry Couch” in the background before I snap that pic!

And some days, my son wakes up at 3 a.m. and wants to be, well, awake. Nursing, rocking, swaying are not his jam. Playing with loud toys, wanting to be held and tickled, pulling my hair, clawing my face? Now we are talking. I am thankful for a 5 hour stretch of sleep, but I’m still exhausted. He’s nearly 11 months and has only slept through the night a handful of times. Now where did I leave my coffee?

Why am I telling you all this? Because – I want you to know that I’m right there with you Mama. I get it. When we meet to go walk and you tell me how tired you are and that sometimes being the boob buffet sucks, I get it. When you approach me before childbirth class and I seem a little off my game? It’s because I’m working really hard to keep it all together and give you the information you need to birth your baby. When you see me drinking my 15th cup of coffee? It’s because drinking wine all day is frowned upon.

But you know what else? I wouldn’t trade any of this for anything else. This is the hardest job in the world – but also the most rewarding. When your five year old sneaks into your bed and you can feel their hot stinky breath on your face in the morning and their warm body next to yours, reaching for you hand? That’s all that matters. When your baby won’t sleep because he ONLY wants to snuggle against you? He’ll only be this little for a little while. And when your too-tall 8 year old gives you a bear hug just because? All else melts away, momentarily.

This is just a season. It will ebb and flow. Good days and tired days. Days I feel like I can rule the world and days when I could just crumble. Just remember that I’m right there with you mama. We’re all in this together.

If you need support in this messy job of motherhood, come out every 2nd and 4th Monday for our Mother with Courage postpartum circle. Working and motherhood? Oh mama, I hear that balancing act too. Badass Working Women of Asheville has started up to meet just that need.

Now, where did I put my coffee? Oh right, it’s in the microwave.

Learning about childbirth in early childhood courses in college, Kelly saw birth as a painful and difficult experience. Through educating herself and learning her options, Kelly’s perceptions changed drastically while pregnant with her first daughter. She experienced birth as transformational. As she gained knowledge of the process and a multitude of coping techniques, a passion was unleashed to help women overcome their fears about birth and work toward the birth experience they desire. Having had both hospital and homebirths with her own children, Kelly carries the variety of those experiences with her when working with women. Now a certified birth doula through DONA International and Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator, Kelly brings knowledge, compassion, and spirit to her clients and students.