Anxiety, exhaustion, sleep disturbances, vaginal dryness, sore nipples, and breasts…feeling sexy? Probably not. The range of physical changes and emotions that a new mama can go through as she heals from birth and accepts her new body postpartum is vast.
Photo by Chris Bott
Parents learn about and prepare for childbirth and the postpartum period, but we really don’t know how life is going to be until that new little one is born. We all want to be the best parents we can be. Part of that equation is the stability and connection we have with our romantic partner. When we are bonded with our partner, we are happier. When we are happier, we are better parents. Intimacy and sex can play a huge role in that happiness, but after birth, mom’s body and emotions often need time to heal.
Sex may feel like it’s at the bottom of the “To-Do” list but this essential connection can be the glue of your relationship…get creative and sew in some sensuality into the fabric of your daily rhythm.
While every parent has a different experience, most parents are stunned at the changes a new baby, especially a first baby brings to family life. This tiny little human wreaks havoc with sleep, schedules, who is in your bed, and what adults do in the metaphoric bed; turning your sex drive and sex life upside down. This can really hit home for the partner. Mom had about 9 months to adjust to a monumental shift in her everyday life through pregnancy. Even the most supportive partners don’t particularly understand how much of a transition having a baby can be until the postpartum time.
Helpful information to consider:
First, remember what mom’s body has been through, she grew a human being and brought that being into this world! It takes significant time post-birth to reconnect with the intimate parts of the body and feel sensual in any way.
Secondly, the postpartum period is really about two years (or the rest of your life).
Consistently a new mom may feel spread too thin, feeling like her body is in constant demand from her baby, other children, and her partner. She may also be affected by compassion fatigue…caring for her baby and others 24/7. To reach within herself and pull out what she used to envision as her “sexual self” may look nothing like it used to. This is a time to develop a new sense of what your sex life has the potential to be. It is normal to mourn what used to be that it may never be again. However, within change there are hidden gifts… but first, we have to learn how to revel in the present and explore!
If moms have felt over touched (they probably have been sucked on, peed on, pooped on, and puked on all day), make sure that is communicated to the partner. If mom needs a break, it is important that she ask for one. Keep the lines of communication open. Give each other permission without fear of repercussion to say exactly what is on each other’s mind.
While your physical sex life may be taking a hit, this can be a time to boost intimacy and connection. Do not despair, interest in sex will eventually pick up. There are some things you and your partner can do to make the transition back to sex and intimacy exciting, and maybe even better than ever.
So, how do you get back at it and light that fire again?
- Be patient (this is the hardest!) and realistic. While mom may be cleared by her midwife or doctor to resume sex, SHE may not feel ready. Don’t rush it. Talk about it. Start slowly. Sex doesn’t equal intercourse. Arousal and pleasure can be experienced in many different ways. Start with a sensual touch. Let your partner massage you with your favorite massage oil, aromatherapy, cuddle up and watch a sexy movie together, explore each others body with a light touch, a massager, or a silky piece of fabric. Partners beginning touch with a 5-minute massage can really help a mom with stored tension and stress. Experiment with different types of touch, ask your partner to identify a new way they would like to be touched. Or reminisce about some of the past hot sex you’ve had, knowing that it can return!
- Create new intimate space, literally and figuratively. If families are co-sleeping, the idea of being physically intimate with the baby in the bed can feel awkward. Find other places to be physically close. Perhaps shower or bathe together, snuggle on the couch, Partners have mom sit on your lap when she overwhelmed or tired or take it outside and make out on your porch/deck/lawn. Take this time to create moments of stillness and closeness. Share the experience of falling in love with your baby. Bask in the pleasure of this new love for your child and each other.
- Bring romance back into the relationship slowly. Do little romantic things for each other. Something as simple as asking your partner takes the baby out for a stroll so you can catch a nap, or to care for the baby so you can take a long relaxing bath. Learn your partner’s love language and communicate in a way you know that impactful to them. Write little love notes or send a steamy text message while you’re out at the grocery store. Set the scene in your living room…put on some music, lay out some strawberries dipped in chocolate and turn the lights down low!
- Partners need to pick up extra chores for a while. Both parents will be doing more. A new baby brings with it so many extra chores. Ask your partner for help. Either partner or mom should not feel guilty about not being able to keep up with it all, this is your time to shine together, partners can go the extra mile. And on the flipside, a new mom might get turned on if the partner does the dishes!
- Partners: Don’t be afraid to masturbate until sex resumes and don’t pressure mom to be sexual; that pressure will negatively impact her desire. When sex does resume, enjoy adequate foreplay and let mom be in control of penetration and pace. Use a lot of lubrication
. Go slow and communicate – sex is as much an emotional and mental act as it is a physical act. Mom may have a difficult time switching from “mommy” mode to “lover” mode.
- Turn off the dang phone, computer, and TV. Set the mood! Turn off the distractions. This time is all about deep connection and being present with one another.
- Go with the flow, expect the unexpected, and laugh. Postpartum sex is often like your very first sexual encounter! It may be awkward and clumsy. Don’t set your expectations on reaching orgasm but creating connection and reigniting the fire. And, don’t feel bad if it doesn’t go great, or doesn’t last long.
. Go slow and communicate – sex is as much an emotional and mental act as it is a physical act. Mom may have a difficult time switching from “mommy” mode to “lover” mode.Remember that your relationship with your partner is not defined on when or how you have sex. Mom’s are not defined by what their body looks like postpartum– Parents are what they have accomplished. That is creating a human, a perfect life for this world. Allowing ourselves the power and confidence of parents who have done something truly remarkable will give us the confidence to take the first nervous steps back into love.
