Pregnant women in this country are often presented with two options when facing childbirth: be fearless, or be very scared. That’s BS, and I’m calling it out! As a childbirth educator and doula, I am often encouraged to engage conversations with women and families about birth and parenting without so many things. Without worry, without pain, and without a primal emotion called fear.
You know what, though? When fear-free, anxiety-free, pain-free expectations are set up for families and these expectations are not met, women and families feel like something is wrong. Worse yet, like they did something wrong. I am here to change that conversation. At Homegrown Babies, we are going big. We’re launching a #birthwithcourage movement.
Within the first hour of Birth With Courage Childbirth Education Classes, I invite fear into the room and pull up a chair for her.
My love of Beyoncé and her music inspires the movement from fear, to productive fear, to courage.
Why do I do this? I am a big fan of productive fear. The emotion that moves me to pause, take stock and make a move. Unproductive fear is spinning wheels. Productive fear moves into productive action. Productive fear can be one of the many guides for my intuition and allows for another emotion to rise to the surface that I love, Courage. I have been fortunate to have many teachers over the past twenty-five years. Whapio Dianne Bartlett, Pam England, Penny Simkin, Sobonfu Somé and Beyoncé, you got it, Beyoncé — to name a few. Beyoncé, aka Sasha Fierce. Anyone who knows me knows about my girl, Beyoncé. My love of Beyoncé and her music inspires the movement from fear, to productive fear, to courage. All while shaking some booty.
I am no stranger to fear. I spent a lot of my younger life scared. As an abuse survivor, I lived my life in fear. I was fearful as a child every day when my Mother walked through the door that she was going to attack me for who knows what. I recall asking that little question, “How was your day?” and when the door opened; I held my breath in fear of her answer. It took me years to cultivate the courage to stand my ground. At the ripe age of fifteen, I was kicked out of my home. I walked away and walked myself into a new life. It was the fear of my situation that fed a small seed inside me called Courage. From that day forward, I watered that seed with many of life’s ups and downs. I had the courage to go to therapy and talk about my vulnerabilities. Through all these years, I have been growing and cultivating the courage to do the ‘next best thing.’ For the last thirteen years in my childbirth classes, I have been encouraging parents to do exactly the same.
In my process of cultivating courage in my own life, I often practiced being confident enough to walk like Beyoncé. In the grocery store, between the canned goods and the old ladies, I would walk down the aisles holding my head high like I mattered in this world. I began to hone my courage and look people in the eye when they spoke to me – like Beyoncé looks into the audience when she performs. I began to wear clothes that I felt made me look and feel beautiful, not shapeless bags that hid my lanky body. My courage began to take root and grow.
Who is your Beyoncé? What image of ferocity, of strength, of courage can you bring with you during these life-changing days of pregnancy, labor and postpartum?
Birth and parenting without fear is like living life without courage. I inspire women and families to birth with something, not without it.
If Mr. Tyrannosaurs Rex lumbers into your laboring room disguised as your greatest fear, I don’t want women and families to run and hide. I want to support my families in finding the tools and resources they need to feel safe and strong and to feel freaking fantastic about their birth experience no matter how their story goes down.
I prepare families to walk into the unknown places with confidence – no matter what. I encourage them to get to know their own inner Sasha Fierce. I let them know in our first class together that if no one has told them how stunningly beautiful they are today, then to let me be the first. They know that birth and becoming a parent is vulnerability personified; it takes guts – and gives the biggest rewards.
My greatest hope is that families walk out of my class able to look their own fear in the eye and maybe, just maybe, they walk away feeling a little more like Beyoncé, with a few more dance moves in their repertoire.
