Q: Dear Doulas and Team,
To tell it simply I’m struggling. My three year old and I have almost daily (if not multiple times a day) showdowns. I am struggling when she freaks out over any little thing and it turns into a power struggle. Then I find myself getting angry and frustrated which makes things worse and it’s is really wearing me down!
Do you have any fresh takes to support me in the struggle?
Signed, The Frazzled Mom
A New Take on Tantrums
Photo by @amyhilbrand via Twenty20
A child is screaming, crying, and raging, making their emotional distress visible, audible, and sometimes even tangible for anyone within reach. We’ve all been there — either as a child, as a parent, or as an uncomfortable bystander.
The common terms for such an occurrence are “tantrum” or “meltdown.” It’s an event that most, if not all, parents would like to avoid, yet we often unwittingly make our children’s “meltdowns” last longer or burn hotter than necessary, in part because we have outdated ideas about “tantrums.”
Why do children have “tantrums”?
Many parents today still think that children have “tantrums” because they’re not getting their way. We’ve inherited the “spoiled brat” theory popular during our own childhoods. What the research widely points to, however, is that these big emotional releases are the result of immature brains under stress — particularly feelings of anger, frustration, or anxiety. By “immature” I mean brains in which the prefrontal cortex — our most sophisticated “human” brain — has yet to fully develop (this maturation typically starts around age 4). Though we adults don’t like dealing with “meltdowns,” one of the best things we can do is adopt a more neutral view of them. In other words, instead of viewing them as a your child’s “bad behavior,” view them as your child’s best effort to respond to stress she’s feeling.
How do we get through “tantrums” without everything going to pieces?
Changing our reactions to “tantrums” from our children is an ongoing process. When most of us were children, these were some of the beliefs that were common about “tantrums:”
Old Thinking
- Tantrums resulted from permissive parents and undisciplined kids.
- Tantrums need to be stopped – the sooner the better.
- Force (verbal or physical) is the way to get the child to “snap out of it.”
- Tantrums are ways children manipulate adults.
- Tantrums are negative (there’s no positive value in such outbursts).
Thus, most of us took on these beliefs about “tantrums” and so we tend to react in much the same way as our parents did. Usually this means either feeling angry and wanting to stop our child’s meltdown or feeling overwhelmed and wanting to disappear until the storm has passed.
But since these reactions aren’t productive (or usually pleasant), it’s up to us to learn new ways to ride out the storm (because it will eventually pass).
New Understanding
- “Tantrums” will happen. These bursts of big emotion are part of the lives of almost every child.
- When your energy around a “tantrum” changes, you’re creating a different environment for
your child (one that’s safer and more accepting). This shift helps your child move more
smoothly and effectively through her/his emotional experience and get back to “normal.” - A loving presence, understanding, and empathy create space for the child to release their
emotions and calm themselves. Too many words from caregivers can actually increase a child’s
stress. - Big energy releases really have to do with our children and how they feel. Calling them
“manipulative” or “willful” only makes the experience more stressful for everyone. - These big energy releases can actually help a child get back to their best self. They are stress-
release valves that bring children back into balance when they’re met with a supportive approach from caregivers.
Embodying these new understandings takes time, yet it is possible. Below are the three shifts you can make to bring this new understanding to life with your child.
Reframe “tantrum” to “big energy release.”
When you stop thinking of them as “tantrums,” some of the pressure to control your child will disappear. The goal here is to put a stop to your learned habits that actually tend to exacerbate your child’s stress.
Connect and calm yourself first.
The purpose of this step is to create a safe environment and remove any pressure you might unknowingly put on your child to “snap out of it.” Big emotions in our children often bring up our own, so it’s critical to slow yourself down and get calm so you’ll be able to actually support your child.
- Before you do anything else, calm yourself as much as possible.
- Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Then breathe some more.
- Notice your emotions. Quietly/silently reassure yourself: “It’s okay for him to be upset.” “I can trust us to come through this.” You might massage your temples, pat your chest, or sit down to further settle yourself.
Give your supportive presence.
Once you feel calmer, offer your child empathy, understanding, acceptance, and love. While you may say a few supportive words or give a gentle touch, the real emphasis here is to create a setting in which your child can safely express her/his emotions and move through them at her/his pace.
- Use your energy and body language to show your acceptance of your child’s emotional energy release.
- Choose just a few words to demonstrate your understanding and willingness to support your child. “I hear your frustration.” “It’s okay to feel upset.” “I can hold you.” “Do you want me to be next to you?”
- Be a gentle, reassuring physical presence, keeping words to a minimum.
- Anytime you feel your own emotions getting unsettled, go back and calm yourself.
Shonnie Lavender’s calling is to foster the evolution of humanity by supporting mamas to evolve spiritually and to parent in a way that enables their children to retain their spiritual and emotional wholeness. She coaches, leads workshops, writes, and inspires families that want to heal their past, create a harmonious, authentic, and loving present with their family, and create a peaceful, fulfilling future for the wider world. Learn more at ShonnieLavender.com.
Do you have a burning question that you haven’t had a chance to ask a care provider or are maybe too embarrassed to ask? We’ve got your back! The 411 is like a “dear doula” column where you get to (anonymously) ask about all those things you think you’re alone in wondering, or that you might be struggling with. We’re here to affirm that no, you are not alone. With evidence-based answers from not only birth doulas, but childbirth educators, experienced moms, lactation educators and more, we’ll help save you from falling down the Google rabbit hole. We wanna know what’s on your mind! Submit your question online.
